Everyday when I face the mirror, I stared at the person that's right in front me. I blink, thousands of times before I led out a big sigh. I can't even recognize who am I in the mirror anymore. I miss my old self, the old me.
It's been more than four years now since we got together and it was a hell lot of dramas and going back and forth. I must admit she caught me with her love bombing acts and I fell for it. But then, on our fourth year, that is where my nightmare had started sprawling especially that I have lost a huge chunk of money because of her. She doesn't have a job but have a grandiose self entitlement like I owe her the world and It is my obligation to feed her filthy mouth. It's a constant egg shell boulevard and everytime that there's something that she doesn't like or doesn't please her, she throws things, yells and curses. Our neighbors hates us because of her. But lately, I've really had enough as I feel like I am on the verge of losing it and turn off her lights. But then I know it's not worth it.
I lost the spark in me, I feel so depressed and withdrawn to my career that I have worked so hard and up for how many years. I need to host and present and be jolly or jovial, but then I am like a sad clown. She envy me, she competes against me, she mimics me. She make me feel so terrible and miserable and she does nothing but to bring out the worst in me. She hates my family just because they adore me while her family scorns her and they only recognize her whenever she have something to give them especially money.
She culminate nightmares with my clients and my work, she gets in between my work email and my other correspondences. She deletes them without my consent.
I am tired beyond the meaning and word itself. I am freaking tired, drained, exhausted, sucked up, emancipated. Everyday, I wish to run away and vanish or go to a place where I can find myself again and be happy. I haven't seen the sun and rainbows in more than years. I miss being happy. I miss being me.
I feel so gloomy and sporadic. I feel so trapped and stuck in this relationship that I wish to be gone and free myself up everyday. I can't cry anymore. I can't feel anything.
I do everything myself and she treats me like I am her slave and that she is the one who feeds me, I fight back but it's really draining and all I ever wanted is to scream on top of my lungs and run free.
She went behind my back and contacted me exes, she lurked and tried to know or fabricated stories about why I broke up with them. She makes sure that she will have a bag of stones that she could throw off my path when I am done with her and I am totally walking away. She's planning to blackmail me, because everytime we fight, she takes a picture of herself feeling sorry and making it appear that she's the victim.
She bullies me and bad mouths me and tries to put down my self worth. But I know myself more than she knows hers, she's an insane and infectious devil that spreads out her own dark and vile vomit. She steals and take thing inside my house and uses it in her own house. My house is like a pigsty and my skin is now full of rashes and my rhinitis haven't gone well because of the dust, dirt, garbage and everything else in my house that all she does everyday is to fidget her phone and soak in facebook. In the virtual world, she created a different personality of herself and that make believe personality is what she pulled out from the screen and act like it's the reality. She bad mouths me to everyone and post our fights in her wall. So that everyone will hate me and everyone will despise me, while she will run away from that and fled and be with someone that she's been cheating with.
Obnoxious monster personality and she feels like she's the queen of the world.
One day, she just stopped talking to me and went silent. I got tired of that game, so I went silent too and managed to ignore her and not really care about her. Until the follow morning, I wasn't feeling well and all of a sudden, I felt ill, my blood pressure shoot up and my back's been killing me. My fever went up high and my cousin rushed me to the hospital. But right before that, she hasn't been feeding me for days. So I called in my aunt and asked if she could buy me some food coz I haven't had my food yet. They were all surprised to hear with what is really going on in my life and when they took me to the hospital, she never came or even visited me. Instead of apologizing, she created a story in her head that we were talking about her and I told a lot of lies and bad things about her to my family, whereas we never talked about her coz nobody cares and yet just because that she feels guilty, she became paranoid that everyone is upset with her. My aunt comes by everyday to my house to get my stuff and food but she never asked her if she will come or visit. Then she asked for the key and I said, you can just take a cab and take it from downstairs, then she said no thanks. So that is all she's been waiting for, to say NO to me to rub that off my face.
Now, why is she treating and hurting me this way? I stopped having sex with her. She's so awful in bed and she only want to lie and receive pleasure. Then right after that, she will sleep and won't care about me. Everytime she will give me an oral, I suffer from UTI and extreme itchiness or yeast. Then I got sore throat and there's that rough thing in my throat that won't go away for day. She have a very bad hygiene and she feels like I should feel lucky for having young woman like her, which is I never dreamt of babysitting an ill mannered, godforsaken, insane and narcissistic woman in my entire life.
I don't feel the same way anymore. She started keeping her distance more than a year ago and I have learned to moved on while we're together. There are so many hurtful things and events that already happened and I feel so voided already.
Feelings no longer there. I am stuck in the dark.
It's been more than four years now since we got together and it was a hell lot of dramas and going back and forth. I must admit she caught me with her love bombing acts and I fell for it. But then, on our fourth year, that is where my nightmare had started sprawling especially that I have lost a huge chunk of money because of her. She doesn't have a job but have a grandiose self entitlement like I owe her the world and It is my obligation to feed her filthy mouth. It's a constant egg shell boulevard and everytime that there's something that she doesn't like or doesn't please her, she throws things, yells and curses. Our neighbors hates us because of her. But lately, I've really had enough as I feel like I am on the verge of losing it and turn off her lights. But then I know it's not worth it.
I lost the spark in me, I feel so depressed and withdrawn to my career that I have worked so hard and up for how many years. I need to host and present and be jolly or jovial, but then I am like a sad clown. She envy me, she competes against me, she mimics me. She make me feel so terrible and miserable and she does nothing but to bring out the worst in me. She hates my family just because they adore me while her family scorns her and they only recognize her whenever she have something to give them especially money.
She culminate nightmares with my clients and my work, she gets in between my work email and my other correspondences. She deletes them without my consent.
I am tired beyond the meaning and word itself. I am freaking tired, drained, exhausted, sucked up, emancipated. Everyday, I wish to run away and vanish or go to a place where I can find myself again and be happy. I haven't seen the sun and rainbows in more than years. I miss being happy. I miss being me.
I feel so gloomy and sporadic. I feel so trapped and stuck in this relationship that I wish to be gone and free myself up everyday. I can't cry anymore. I can't feel anything.
I do everything myself and she treats me like I am her slave and that she is the one who feeds me, I fight back but it's really draining and all I ever wanted is to scream on top of my lungs and run free.
She went behind my back and contacted me exes, she lurked and tried to know or fabricated stories about why I broke up with them. She makes sure that she will have a bag of stones that she could throw off my path when I am done with her and I am totally walking away. She's planning to blackmail me, because everytime we fight, she takes a picture of herself feeling sorry and making it appear that she's the victim.
She bullies me and bad mouths me and tries to put down my self worth. But I know myself more than she knows hers, she's an insane and infectious devil that spreads out her own dark and vile vomit. She steals and take thing inside my house and uses it in her own house. My house is like a pigsty and my skin is now full of rashes and my rhinitis haven't gone well because of the dust, dirt, garbage and everything else in my house that all she does everyday is to fidget her phone and soak in facebook. In the virtual world, she created a different personality of herself and that make believe personality is what she pulled out from the screen and act like it's the reality. She bad mouths me to everyone and post our fights in her wall. So that everyone will hate me and everyone will despise me, while she will run away from that and fled and be with someone that she's been cheating with.
Obnoxious monster personality and she feels like she's the queen of the world.
One day, she just stopped talking to me and went silent. I got tired of that game, so I went silent too and managed to ignore her and not really care about her. Until the follow morning, I wasn't feeling well and all of a sudden, I felt ill, my blood pressure shoot up and my back's been killing me. My fever went up high and my cousin rushed me to the hospital. But right before that, she hasn't been feeding me for days. So I called in my aunt and asked if she could buy me some food coz I haven't had my food yet. They were all surprised to hear with what is really going on in my life and when they took me to the hospital, she never came or even visited me. Instead of apologizing, she created a story in her head that we were talking about her and I told a lot of lies and bad things about her to my family, whereas we never talked about her coz nobody cares and yet just because that she feels guilty, she became paranoid that everyone is upset with her. My aunt comes by everyday to my house to get my stuff and food but she never asked her if she will come or visit. Then she asked for the key and I said, you can just take a cab and take it from downstairs, then she said no thanks. So that is all she's been waiting for, to say NO to me to rub that off my face.
Now, why is she treating and hurting me this way? I stopped having sex with her. She's so awful in bed and she only want to lie and receive pleasure. Then right after that, she will sleep and won't care about me. Everytime she will give me an oral, I suffer from UTI and extreme itchiness or yeast. Then I got sore throat and there's that rough thing in my throat that won't go away for day. She have a very bad hygiene and she feels like I should feel lucky for having young woman like her, which is I never dreamt of babysitting an ill mannered, godforsaken, insane and narcissistic woman in my entire life.
I don't feel the same way anymore. She started keeping her distance more than a year ago and I have learned to moved on while we're together. There are so many hurtful things and events that already happened and I feel so voided already.
Feelings no longer there. I am stuck in the dark.